Dear Diary

The pounding of the heart I like the most is the one caused by a mixture of fear and fatigue while my body is attached to a mountain’s rock formations. I feel like so much blood is pumped by my valves, the energy would be handy to do overtime work, for straight days. I tried dangling my little-self before, on a big wall somewhere in Quezon City.

No, I did not attempt to end my life. And never will, but I digress. I joined my non-biological sister in trying a new sport–wall climbing–in the hopes of getting myself fit, and in my sister’s hope of hooking me up with someone.

Not hook-up, of course. I’m not patronizing but I just wanted to be clear. Patronizing is not the exact word. It should be a mixture of patronizing and judging. Patrojudging. Okay, very bad idea. Moving on…

I ended up doing better in climbing and belaying  than her. (bellaying? Google the spelling. I can’t ). At least a good thing came out of  it, the match-making was not successful.

As I struggle like a real helpless victim in my latest climb, I felt how much I delayed the whole crew. The other climbers looked bored, puzzled on why I can’t properly climb down a bunch of rocks. A senior climber came in and volunteered to be my steady-stopper so I end my slipping streaks.

Let me talk about holding a bit before I continue. Holding a hand should give a warm feeling, don’t you think? It should send butterflies, flowers and meadows but for some reason, holding a person’s hand because a situation demands it does not have that same effect.

I held his hand, many times, several times. I clutched it, gripped it, held it tight like I’m about to deliver a baby, even entertwined fingers with his but, no meadows. Interesting. Maybe because the meadow is right in front of us.

My thigh and tiny legs scream whenever I take the stairs. They question my authority of this body. But cannot do anything about it, I love a hard-pounding heart. I may not climb as often as I would like but I could walk and jog and I do these two with so much gusto.

Thank you Lord for giving me a pair of legs that I could ‘daily-use’. I may forget sometimes but my pounding moments highlight gravity and pulls me back. I said in 2014 that I look forward to climbing real mountains. I got to climb 4* but now I realized, more than aiming to conquer mountain peaks, may I be able to conquer myself, with You as my steady-stopper.

Let’s climb life’s mountains this year, Lord. Let’s make my 25th year absolutely worth the climb.

In Jesus name, Amen.

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*Manalmon, Maculot, Romelo, Batulao

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